Finally, Our Talk With Bogdan

We got up and got ready for our day. We were excited to have hot water for our showers, but the downstairs bathroom was really cold as there is no way to heat it. The center now has some plug in fan type of heaters that blow warm air instead of cold air, which helps to keep the cold places in the TLC warmer. They are so nice, but there is no place to plug one of these in in the downstairs bathroom. So getting out of the warm shower, into the cold room made me hurry to get dressed.

Not long after we were up, some of the first students that Lance worked with at the TLC came for a visit. Marina and Ira, twin sisters, and Julia Sherbakova along with Ira’s little girl, Dasha came just to see us and visit. We had about a three-hour visit with the girls and loved every minute of it. We talked about what has gone on in each of our lives since we last saw each other. Ira has gotten married and now has Dasha who is about 18 months old. Marina has a boyfriend and talked about possibly getting married in another year or two. She promised to let us know when she does, if she does. Julia also talked about her life and how hard it is for her right now and how she has nothing and no joy. She is going through some trials and hard decisions and was asking our advice. Lance is so good at giving advice, because he never tells you what you should do, but gives both sides of the decision and ideas for what to think about while making the decision. He was very good with Julia in telling her some things she needed to think about, decisions that she needed to make first and then discussing some of her options with her. He never told her what to do, but told her it was her life and her decision as to what she wanted to do with her life. I could tell that she enjoyed our time together. She really needed someone to talk to and she trusts us as she has confided in us many times in the past and emails us periodically as well. She is such a precious young girl and has so much potential. She is just in such a hard spot in her life right now. Please pray that God can show her the way to the path He has planned for her.

It was great to hear the girls talk about their time in the center. They said they should have paid attention to what they were being told when they lived there, because everyone was so right. They talked about how they had the opportunity to learn English for free, but didn’t want to at the time. And, now, if they want to study English, they have to pay for it themselves. They talked about how they didn’t like to cook or clean, but now that they are in “the real world” those skills are very handy because they have to use them daily. Ira especially commented on the fact that she has to cook, clean and take care of Dasha, which is a lot of work. She now knows why we said they should wait to have children. We told the girls how much a facilitator for adoptions makes and that it would be a great career for them, but that they would have to study and learn English. Marina said that she didn’t know why going out and walking was so important when she lived at the TLC that she wished she would have listened and studied more while she was there so that she would have more possibilities now! Hindsight is 20/20 they say!

Dasha was a sweet little girl and finally warmed up to me a little bit before they had to leave. It was so funny to watch Ira dress little Dasha to go outside in the cold. She was so bundled up that she could barely walk. Ira had to chase her around the house to get her dressed as she was on the go! We took pictures and gave the girls big hugs as they left. We told them we loved them and that we missed them and would see them again sometime. Marina had tears in her eyes as she was saying good-bye. Lance wrote Julia a letter and will email it to her just encouraging her and letting her know that she is very loved and that we, along with many of our friends, are still here for her. Even though we are miles and miles away physically, we are never far apart emotionally.

Other kids we worked with when we were there stopped by to see us. It is funny how quickly the word gets around when we are in town. Natasha Serdakova, our giggles, showed up for a visit and she had not been to the center in months. Marina, who know shares an apartment with Natasha showed up also, but she comes quite often to the center because she and Julia are really good friends. Also, Olya, my shadow when we lived here, came by as well. She visited for a while and said that she would be back again for a longer visit on Saturday. She has changed her appearance quite a bit. Actually, all of the girls have lost weight since leaving the center. Now, the style is to dye their hair black, so Olya and most of the other girls had dark black hair. I didn’t recognize Olya the first time I saw her hanging up her coat in the hallway. She looks very happy and beautiful, even if she went from beautiful dark blonde to dark black hair!

I sat in the large window seal and visited with some of the girls and enjoyed looking out at the snow. I loved those big window seals, as some of my best conversations with the kids were sitting in those windows. The snow was coming down pretty hard today. In fact, it was coming down so hard that I thought we might get snowed in.

Tanya came to the center around 2:00ish and she went with us to the orphanage to talk to Bogdan. Even though Lance’s Russian is very good, we wanted Tanya to translate for us so there were no misunderstandings. Speaking of Lance’s Russian, he talked with Valerie Victorvich, Tanya’s husband and our Russian teacher when we were there the day before for about 15 minutes strictly in Russian. Valerie said that Lance’s Russian isn’t perfect, but that with about a week with him, that it would be. I know Lance thinks he has forgotten a lot of Russian, but really, he speaks it very well. I know words, but my grammar is pitiful!

So, off we went to the orphanage for the dreaded conversation with Bogdan. We were in the lobby after walking in and some younger kids were at the bottom of the stairs. We could hear them talking and heard Lance’s name and Bogdan’s name. Then they ran up the stairs. By the time we got up to the third floor, where Bogdan’s class lives, he was already coming down the hallway to meet us. As soon as I saw him, my heart sank! He gave us both big hugs and was happy to see us, but you could tell there was nervousness in the air on all our parts. He knew we were there to seriously have a conversation especially since Tanya was with us. So, we walked back to his class and found a room where we could visit. I already had tears in my eyes and it was as if my heart broke all over again upon seeing him. He is really tall now, almost taller than Lance, and just as handsome as always.

We walked into the room and sat on the couch. Lance started by asking him if he knew why we were here. And, he said yes, to talk about the conversation we had when we had visited last summer. We said yes, that is why we were here. Lance explained that he had asked Tanya to come and help him talk to him since we had a lot of really hard things to talk about. Lance explained that everything he was going to say was the absolute truth and that Bogdan could ask him any question he wanted and we would answer it truthfully. We were all nervous wrecks. Even reliving it now as I type, I’m a nervous wreck. Bogdan is like me in that when he gets nervous, he picks at his fingers. By the time this conversation ended, he had peeled off several layers of skin on his fingers. It’s a bad nervous habit, but we both have it. When I noticed what he was doing, I realized I had been picking at my fingers as well. Not as bad as Bogdan though.

Lance did most of the talking and told him that what we had to say was not easy and not a conversation we wanted to have. He told him that we had been doing all the necessary paperwork since we all decided to become a family and we even did the necessary paperwork to adopt his older brother if necessary. We came to Ukraine in December to adopt him and went to the SDA in Kiev and they told us that he was not available for adoption. It was all I could do to hold the tears back at this time and started crying. Bogdan looked at me with such sad eyes and then looked back down at the floor. He looked at the floor most of the conversation, but would look up at each of us occasionally. Lance sat really close to one side of him, with his hands on his legs talking directly to him the whole time. I sat on the other side and had my arm around him rubbing his back through the hard parts of the conversation.

We explained that it was not just us that couldn’t adopt him, but that anyone that wanted to adopt him would not be able to. What a hard thing to for an orphan to hear. He has already lost his parents and has lived in this orphanage for many years and even the state doesn’t care about him or recognize that he exists! It’s just not fair, which I mentioned several times in our conversation.

We then talked about the fact that there are still a few possibilities that we could adopt him, but that the chance of them actually working were very slim and would take a year and a half. Lance explained about the Ukrainian and American rules for adoption and how if Ukraine does the paperwork very quickly we might have a two month window in which we could adopt him before he ages out of the system. Lance also explained that if this didn’t work there is a possibility of him getting a student visa and coming to America. The possibilities of the orphanage director letting him out of the orphanage for a student visa are not that great either. We told him though to think about it and let us know if he wanted us to try one of these options. He didn’t have to tell us today but to think and pray about it. We told him that we would do whatever it took if he wanted us to. We would raise the $20,000 again somehow and do all the paperwork over if needed if that is what he wanted us to do. We told him that if he wanted to stay in Ukraine that it was ok too. We wanted him to make the decision that was best for him and not for us. We told him that he would always be special in our hearts and that we would continue to do anything and everything we could to help him whether he was legally our son and lived in America or not.

Lance then asked him if he remembered their first conversation where Bogdan asked him to help him get to know Jesus, and of course, Bogdan remembers that conversation just as well as Lance does. This is where, I could not hold back tears any longer again and they started rolling fiercely down my cheeks. Lance told him that since that day that he has tried to do everything in his power to show him Jesus and help him. That since that day, Bogdan has been his mission from God. Lance said that he hasn’t done as well as he could have in this endeavor and that he wants to be better. Personally, I think he has done very well in trying to help Bogdan, and I think Bogdan can see the hope and light of Jesus Christ in Lance. He said that he promised Bogdan to help him and that even when Lance is 70 and Bogdan is older too that he wants to still be in contact with him. He explained that if Bogdan decides to stay in Ukraine that he can live in the center and that we will sponsor him. Then we all had to giggle when he said that if he does that, that one of the rules is that they have to write their sponsors every month! So, Bogdan would have to write us at least once a month! We expressed how important it is for us to stay in contact with each other. Lance told him we would help him get into school after the center if he wanted and expressed to him just how important education would be in his life and to work hard at that. He said that in Bogdan’s last letter, he stated he wanted to come to America because he had a better chance of becoming a real man. Lance told him that if he stayed in Ukraine and wanted to become a real man that education was going to be the way to do that. We expressed several times that we were there for Bogdan whether we were able to adopt him or not.

This was a lot for Bogdan to take in and it took a long time to have this conversation with a translator. We asked if he had any questions and he didn’t. We told him over and over again that we loved him very much. We told him that we had given him a lot to think about it and that we would be here for a few more days. We asked if he wanted us to come and visit him again while we were here and he said of course. So, we made plans to come back on Saturday after he got out of school and had lunch to visit. We told him to think about if he wanted us to try and pursue the adoption again and let us know later.

We hugged each other and I cried on Bogdan’s shoulder and told him that if was not fair and that I was very very sorry and that I loved him very much. He said he understood. It was a hard and sad good-bye. Lance and Bogdan had tears in their eyes, but they were much better at holding them in than I was. He walked us out to the stairs and then we headed back to the center.
When we got back to the center, I went in the room and laid down for awhile. I just really wanted to be alone. However, it wasn’t long before I was up and went upstairs as I don’t get to see the kids or Alexandra much and didn’t want to waste anytime I had at the center by sulking in my room.

Not much else happened that evening, except that I tried to help Borya and his brother Maxim in the computer lab. While there, Anya, one of our TLC kids, came to visit. She didn’t get to stay long, but wanted to introduce us to her boyfriend of 6 months and a friend of hers. It was so good to see her and see how she has matured. She still has the same funny sense of humor and made us all laugh, which is what I needed at this point.

I had a tremendous headache, I’m sure from the crying and stress. So, I took some Tylenol and went to bed early around 9:00 or so. Lance got online and did several hours of work and came to bed later.

What a long day! Thank you for prayers in helping us get through it!

Finally, Our Talk with Bogdan
Friday, January 29, 2010

3 Comments
BROOKE
I am so sorry that you guys had to have this conversation with Bogdan. I am so impressed with how you all handled it. You were loving and honest. My heart aches for you all. Sending a REALLY BIG HUG to my dear friends across the miles-
Tuesday, February 2, 2010 - 06:38 PM
ANONYMOUS
I am finishing reading this through tears....but in the tears there is hope....oh my the love and respect and attachment you both have for Bogdan and he for you and all of you for Jesus is so REAL!!! oh wow!! May all three of you continue to feel that love and caring and connection wherever and however this works out....What blessings you both are for Bogdan...he is truly loved and loves you both!! And how very hard this was!

Jeremiah 29:11

with love and prayers...Dixie
Tuesday, February 2, 2010 - 08:06 PM
LORIE KELLY
oh dearest Lance and Debra, I still have tears streaming down my face from reading of all this...I love Bogdon too and it was such fun having you all here that summer...I feel in my heart that one day he will be in America, and Sasha too...did you see Sasha while there ? I hope you might be able to meet Anya Bilyo and Vince Bailey, you will love them, they are returning to Mariupol soon...When you see Bogdon again , will you please tell him for me I miss him and love him and will continue to pray for him ? I will continue to pray for you also. Please give a big hug to Tanya, Alexandria, Sveta, her children, Anya, Oolya and all the children at the TLC and also Natasha if you see her again....I wish I were there with you !!!!! God bless you my friends, Lorie xoxoo
Tuesday, February 2, 2010 - 10:01 PM